'WEIRD AND WACKY TO THE MAX' OR 'BEYOND BLUNDERDOME' . . . . IN A BLOGAVERSE SO FULL WITH SANCTIMONIOUS, BIKER LIFESTYLE REGURGITATION, IT'S REFRESHING TO KNOW YOU CAN RELY ON ONE MAN TO LET THE HOT AIR OUT . . . . THE HEAD LADY HUMP HOMBRE AND HIS BUSTY SIDEKICK THE ICE QUEEN . . . . FUCK HARDCORE, LET'S GET STUPID !!!

WHEN THE GOING GETS WEIRD, THE WEIRD GO HERE . . . . http://ladyhump.blogspot.com.au/

A POST FROM CHRIS AT 'MOTORCYCLE ART' TODAY HAD ME FLASHING ON MY FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL . . . . THIS THING HAD ME IN PERMANENT WOODY MODE WHEN IT APPEARED BACK THEN . . . . FOSTER'S "SPECIAL K", STATE OF THE ART MEETS RESPECT FOR THE PAST.

Man, this thing will forever remain a design highwater mark for all the right reasons, sheer simplicity and cleanliness of lines and form being primary among them. This 'K' model from the sizeable mind of the head Salinas Boy is as stunning now as it was when it first appeared coming on for a decade ago, an ode to less is more there is nothing on this ride that is out of place, separate component parts form a seamless and cohesive whole, wheels, front end, 'bars, frame, motor, pipes, oil tank, guard all become one sexy, purposeful, perfect machine. I know the Blue Bike is one that so many rave up, and I love that too, but tip this into my breakfast bowl and I'd be right for life. 

HAYSEED DIXIE "HIGHWAY TO HELL" . . . . YEE HAW, THE HAYSEEDS HAVE JUST BLOWN INTO TOWN, WHISTLIN DIXIE AND SINGIN UP A BLUEGRASS STORM . . . . HILARIOUS COVER OF THE ACCA DACCA CLASSIC, COMPLETE WITH 'JOHNNY' ON HIS SPEED TWIN AND THE REST OF THE BLACK REBELS MOTORCYCLE CLUB . . . . LOOK OUT CARBONVILLE AND LOOK OUT QLD !!!

IN SEARCH OF INSPIRATION FOR THE NEWLY REINVIGORATED PROJECT SHOVELLER . . . . I WANT IT TO BE AUTHENTIC, NOT PERIOD PERFECT CORRECT, JUST REAL . . . . SO THE TRAWLING HAS RECOMMENCED IN EARNEST WHILE DOUG HAIFLEY CONNECTS THE DOTS WITH THE HARDTAIL KIT SOMEWHERE IN THE DESERT . . . . THIS WICKED EXAMPLE IS A 'CYCLE ZOMBIES' CREATION.

I JUST LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SHOVEL, APART FROM THE FACT IT'S A '74 LIKE MINE, STANCE, LINES, FRONTEND, PIPES, TANK, SISSY BAR AND SEAT, WHEEL SELECTION, REAR GUARD, THE ENTIRE BIKE IS BLOODY PERFECT IN MY OPINION, IT AIN'T A FRISCO AS SUCH BUT SHE'S ONE PRACTICAL, FUNCTIONAL TOOL . . . . DIG THE CONCEPT OF A TANK THAT CAN CARRY YOU FOR MORE THAN SEVENTY MILES BEFORE BEING BEACHED ON THE ROADSIDE, AS MUCH AS I WANT TO OPT FOR THE CLASSIC FRISCO AESTHETIC, I LOOK AT THIS AND FIND MYSELF BEING SWAYED TO A SIMILAR SETUP . . . . CHEERS TO ZOMBIE LADS FOR THE SHOT.

AND THE COLOURED GIRLS SAID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING . . . . THE LATEST MEMBER OF THE BIG BAND IN THE SKY . . . . LOU REED HAS LEFT THE BUILDING . . . . VALE.

A COUPLE OF HUNDRED LEISURELY KLMS ON THE SCOOT THIS ARVO . . . . I LEFT THE TURGID MIASMA OF THE GOLDY AND THE V8 SUPERCARS CIRCUS BEHIND ME . . . . YOU KNOW, FOR A SMALL TRACTOR, THE SKIRTSTER HANDLES NOT THREE BAD . . . . NOT UNLIKE A MOTORCYCLE !

Tales from the saddle of the Purple Penis . . . . great to get the fuck away from the Goldy for an entire arvo . . . . out via Nerang, up through the scenic beauty of the Numinbah Valley, across the border into New South Wales, then down in behind Murwillumbah . . . . even the lads on their crotch rockets were keeping to their side of the double whites . . . . and the skirtster was running like a scalded goat !!!

THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A BLUE SKY . . . . SORRY ABOUT THE CLOUDS RUINING THINGS

TIP TOP OF MY WORLD . . . . DOWN ON THE BORDER . . . . BIKE RIDERS LOVE THESE ROADS

ONCE AGAIN AT THE TUMBULGUM PUB . . . . NO YUPPIES, NO SHINY SHIT . . . . GOOD FOLK

THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES . . . . ALL FOOD GROUPS REPRESENTED . . . . AFTERNOON DELIGHT

CLASSICAL GAS . . . . NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, STYLE AND FORM CAN OCCASIONALLY WIN OVER FUNCTION . . . . QUARTER MILE TIMES AND SPEEDS THESE DAYS ARE ASTRONOMICALLY QUICKER THAN FORTY YEARS AGO . . . . PERSONALLY, I'D RATHER THE MORE 'SEDATE' NUMBERS OF THE SIXTIES JUST SO I COULD WATCH AND LISTEN TO THESE THINGS GETTING THE JOB DONE.

TOP PIC IS "LIGHT UP" AND BOTTOM IS "POISON IVY" . . . . BOTH FROM 'CACKLEFEST'

RED FANG "PREHISTORIC DOG" . . . . THE BEST THING ABOUT 'RED FANG' OTHER THAN THEIR TUNES . . . . THEY HAVE A KILLER SENSE OF HUMOUR AND ENJOY TAKING THE PISS OUT OF THEMSELVES . . . . WHICH IS SO MUCH MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR MANY OF THE PENDLETON CLAD, RED WING SHOD, PBR SIPPIN, TOO COOL TO FOOL BOYS . . . . SUPPOSE I JUST NEVER REALISED YOU GUYS ACTUALLY 'OWNED' THE RIGHTS . . . . SHIT, WHAT WAS I THINKIN !!!

FUNNY THING WAS, LOOKING AT THE CLIP ON RAGE JUST NOW, THE DUDES GETTING ALL FROCKED UP IN THE MEDIEVAL ARMOUR MADE OF BEER CANS ARE IN MANY WAYS A DECENT IMPRESSION OF ALL THOSE ENSURING THAT EVERY TIME THEY WALK OUT THE DOOR THEY'VE SPENT THE COMMENSURATE TIME IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR TWEEKING THE 'LOOK' TO GET IT JUST SO . . . . FOR THAT AWESOMELY AUTHENTIC, PERIOD CORRECT, CERTIFIED GENU-WINE, PERFECT PATINA "I'M A BIKER" AURA . . . . YEAH, RIGHT ON BRO-DUDE-MAN . . . . BUT THAT'S KEEPIN IT REAL AND, OF COURSE, SHOWING CLASS. 

SEE, THE THING IS, I DON'T SO MUCH MIND THE 'LOOK', IF THAT'S HOW IT HAS TO BE, IT'S JUST THE ABSENCE OF HUMILITY AND HOW YOU TAKE YOURSELVES SO SERIOUSLY THAT GETS UP MY NOSE . . . . 

MILLER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING . . . . GOIN FOR A LITTLE SPIN . . . . BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE . . . . WHAT ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP . . . . FUCK THAT . . . . BEST GOD DAMN CAR IN THE YARD . . . . WOA, THIS IS INTENSE . . . . LIFE OF REPO MAN IS ALWAYS INTENSE.

HELEN KELLER, NEVER LET A DISABILITY HOLD YOU BACK . . . . FUCK POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AND THE COCKROACH IT RODE IN ON . . . . HAPPY TRAILS WEEKENDERS, GIDDY UP !!!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER WINE DINNER . . . . SPENT THE NIGHT AT BYRON BAY WITH SOME GOOD BUDDIES IN THE WINE TRADE CAPER . . . . EXCESS IS GENERALLY THE RULE OF THUMB AT THESE GIGS AND LAST NIGHT WAS NO EXCEPTION . . . . FEELING A BIT VIN ORDINAIRE TODAY TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK . . . . BUT, AS THEY SAY, IF YA CAN'T ROCK+ROLL, DON'T FUCKIN COME !!!

 ORANGE WHIP, ORANGE WHIP . . . . THREE ORANGE WHIPS

 ONE ROSE AMONG A BUNCH OF UGLY LOOKIN THORNS . . . . SHE'S A GOOD BLOKE

 LOCAL NON SURFERS . . . . LOCAL RIDERS . . . . CLASSIC HAIR STYLES

 THE HAND

 SUNDOWN IN SURF TOWN . . . . DAYLIGHT SAVINGS FUCK WITH MY MIND

 UTE . . . . THIS IS ORSTRAYA

I LOVE CAMPARI AND SODA . . . . I LOVE LOTS OF CAMPARI AND SODA

FAMILIAR DESTINATIONS . . . . ON THE ROAD TO OBLIVION ONCE AGAIN . . . . OOPS

SOME OUT-TAKES FROM THE SHOOT THAT THE PURPLE PENIS BRIEFLY APPEARED IN . . . . ALSO FEATURING SOME FOOTAGE OF ITS CORPULENT OWNER . . . . FILE UNDER "FAT BASTARDS RIDING SKIRTSTERS RULE" . . . . BIG THANKS TO DAN JENSEN FOR GETTING IT DONE FOR ME.

NOT MY CHOICE OF SOUNDTRACK BUT SOME NICE CLOSE-UP WORK ON THE DAILY DIRTSTER . . . . DONT' MIND THE NOISE EITHER . . . . SPORTSTERS KICK ARSE !!!

TUESDAY NIGHT ROCK RANDOMS FROM THE PAST . . . . FUNNY HOW LIFE GETS DISTILLED INTO SINGLE FRAME MEMORYBYTES . . . . WHICH IS REALLY JUST AS WELL CAUSE IT'S ABOUT ALL MY REMNANT MIND CAN DEAL WITH . . . . TWO DOWN AND THE REST OF US STILL GOING STRONG.

TEN YEARS THIS CHRISTMAS DAY . . . . MARIO SPINA, BROTHER, GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN

 MARS, JOHNNY, ME AND CRAIG AT JOHNNY'S WEDDING . . . . LAST TIME WE PLAYED TOGETHER

 I CLOSED MY EYES SO THE WORLD COULDN'T GET IN . . . . FUCK DANCE, LETS GET INTENSE

THE GREAT OUTDOORS . . . . SUPPORTING 'DRAGON' AND 'AUSTRALIA CRAWL' ROCKHAMPTON 1983

 SECOND LAST LINEUP OF THE BALLISTICS . . . . EVAN WAS GONE AND SO WAS THE PASSION

 WAS A TIME WHEN YOU'D ALWAYS FIND ME IN THE KITCHEN AT PARTIES

 WE WEREN'T LOST IN A SUPERMARKET . . . . BUMFUCK QUEENSLAND . . . . STARTING TO UNRAVEL 

 EARLY DAYS, ORIGINAL LINEUP, PLAYROOM . . . . EVAN AT RIGHT BEFORE WE RUINED HIM

RIDING THE 'PURPLE PENIS' ON A SUNDAY MORNING . . . . EVEN FOR A HETERO MALE SLIDING MY LEGS OVER THE PHALLUS MOBILE IS JOYOUS FEELING . . . . UP TO BRISBANE TO SET UP FOR A CHAMPAGNE TRADE EVENT AT THE THE POWERHOUSE COMPLEX . . . . JOB DONE AND OUT THE DOOR TOOT SWEET . . . . ON THE HOMEWARD JOURNEY I MANAGED TO SCORE HALF A TREE IN MY EYE . . . . FIRST TIME IN THIRTY YEARS RIDING ON THE ROAD IT'S HAPPENED THIS BAD.

BY LAST NIGHT IT WAS DECIDEDLY UNCOMFORTABLE, OFF TO THE QUACK AND HAD THE FUCKER REMOVED THIS MORNING . . . . T'WAS BLIND BUT NOW I CAN SEE !!! WELL, NEAR ENOUGH.

PHONE TAPS, iPhone APPS, SLOW HAND CLAPS AND WE'LL HAVE NONE OF THAT . . . . CLOSE UPS CAN MESS WITH PERCEPTION, REFLECTIONS ON A GLASS SCREEN . . . . WEDDING PREPARATIONS, LESS THAN SALUBRIOUS CONDITIONS . . . . HE'S BEEN AVOIDING THE SPOTLIGHT FOR 32 YEARS.

RAN INTO A BUDDY OF MINE AT BURLEIGH HEADS WHILE THRASHING ABOUT ON THE PURPLE PENIS THIS ARVO . . . . HE WAS CHARGING AROUND IN THIS CURRENT SERIES 2013 CAMARO, COMPLETE WITH A 426 H.P FAT BLOCK . . . . FIRST NEW AGE VERSION I'VE SEEN IN THE FLESH, NOT MY BAG BUT I CAN DIG IT . . . . WHO CAN'T DIG LARGE NUMBER GEE-GEE POWER ???

MIND YOU, AT 120K, I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MANY ULTRA COOL CLASSICS IN PRETTY DECENT SHAPE I COULD OWN FOR THE SAME MONEY . . . . BUT THAT'S JUST ME I GUESS.

SOME SUITABLY SELECT SNATCHES FROM A BLEARY, BLURRY BIGGISH NIGHT WITH GREAT FRIENDS, GOOD BOOZE AND GROOVY TIMES . . . . YOU CAN GET IT IF YOU REALLY WANT.

FIDLAR - "CHEAP BEER" . . . . BRILLIANT ODE TO 'INEXPENSIVE, BREWED, ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES' FROM THE LADS WHO PUT THE FIDDLING BACK IN FIDDLER . . . . ANYONE WHO TELLS ME THEY DRINK BEER FOR THE TASTE ALONE IS A LIAR . . . . THERE IS A GULF OF DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CHEAP AND HORRIBLE . . . . SOME WICKED SICKLE ACTION, BITCH SLAPPIN, BOOZE DRIBBLIN CONTENT IS INCLUDED FOR NO EXTRA CHARGE . . . . C'MON BABY, DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER !!!

"THE WARRIORS" - BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN - "BORN TO RUN" . . . . TWO CRACKING PIECES OF POPULAR CULTURE VERNACULAR SPLICED AND DICED INTO ONE SIGNIFICANTLY COOL COLLABORATION . . . . THE BOSS' BENCHMARK CLASSIC RUNNING BEAT FOR STEP WITH THE GOOD GUYS FROM WALTER HILL'S GANG BUSTER . . . . BIG KUDOS TO THE DUDE RESPONSIBLE, SOME DEFINITIVELY CLEVER STUFF . . . . WE'RE BORN TO RUN, COME OUT AND PLAY-AY !!!

SIT BACK, CRANK IT UP AND RELIVE THE DELIGHTS, THE SUSPENSE AND THE TENSE, UNDERLYING SEXUAL FRISSON . . . . ALL IN FOUR AND A HALF MINUTES . . . . FOR THE TIME POOR ERA IN WHICH WE LIVE.

PREVARICATION AND PROCRASTINATION HAVE BEEN MY SAVIOUR YET AGAIN . . . . HAVING COMMITTED, OR AT LEAST BELIEVING I HAD, TO DITCHING PROJECT SHOVELLER IN FAVOUR OF ANOTHER SKIRTSTER TO CHOPPERIZE, I PROCEEDED TO BURST INTO RAGING LETHARGY AND DID NOTHING . . . . JUST AS FUCKING WELL, THERE WAS A DIVINE PLAN IN PLACE FOR ME AS IT TURNED OUT . . . . IN THE GUISE OF THE UBER TALENTED HAIFLEY BROTHERS HARDTAIL KIT !!!

Nothing that is worth doing comes easily, somebody said that once I know it, and at this point, I figure they were onto and into something. Project Shoveller was beginning to look like hard work once I couldn't get onto the initially planned for bolt-on hardtail kit from the now de-funked, PapaClutch mob in the States, fuck it I thought out loud and put it up on the blog after discussing it with Mikeeyrat and Roscoe, another sporty will be perfect, easy as, cheaper, available and a whole bunch of other bullshit to bolster my case . . . . I somehow think that perhaps Wes, the one guy who was clearly and honestly peeved at my softcock turn-around, at this stage possibly got on the hotline to the man above and started concocting a most cunning plan to bring me back to the fold and onto the path of troublehead righteousness, and part one of the plan was a piece of the proverbial cake, just let him lapse into lethargy and apathy and the rest will follow . . . . 

And it looks like the conspiracy has paid off as just this week the gifted guys at Haifley Brothers have released a perfectly wicked looking, almost stock hardtail kit to suit the shovel, complete with all the shit I adore, superb quality fabrication, factory appearance axle plates, top tier DOM tubing and the perfect, uninterrupted lines as though it had rolled out off Harley's own assembly line . . . . I took one look at the thing, read the blurb, and the entire Project Shoveller caper was back on track once and for all. If I'm going to do a rigid chop, then by fuck I'm gonna have it done good and proper. Later folks, I'm off to place my order before they sell out, giddy up !! 

ON THIS DAY IN 1938, HISTORY'S GREATEST EVER STUNT FALLER/CRASHER ENTERED THE WORLD WITH A SUCCESSFUL LEAP FROM WOMB TO GYNECOLOGIST'S CATCHING MIT . . . . HE LANDED THAT ONE AND THE REST IS NOW FOLKLORE . . . . HAPPY BIRTHDAY MR KNIEVEL !!!

EVEL KNIEVEL . . . . FALLING WITH STYLE AND BREAKING BONES SINCE MOSES WAS SHITTIN' YELLA.

R.I.P

THE KING'S CHARIOT FOR 1967, THE SLIGHTLY REWORKED 1967 BELVEDERE, 426 CUBES OF SHTONKING, GROUND POUNDING HEMI MUSCLE . . . . THE ERA, THE CAR AND THE DRIVER THAT STARTED MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH NASCAR AND THE CHRYSLER CORPORATION . . . . TIMELESSLY COOL, SUPER DUPER TOUGH AND VIRTUALLY UNBEATABLE . . . . THANKS DAD !!!

FROM THE EARLY SIXTIES THROUGH UNTIL THE BEGINNING OF THE SEVENTIES WILL ALWAYS BE THE HIGH-WATER FOR ME AS FAR AS NASCAR RACING GOES, I WAS ONLY A KID AT THE TIME BUT IT WAS INDELIBLY ETCHED INTO MY MIND EVERY SUNDAY COURTESY OF HIGHLIGHTS OF THE FORTNIGHT'S PRIOR RACING FROM THE STATES . . . . REAL MEN PILOTING BIG, BRUTAL CARS, STUFFED FULL OF BIG, BRUTAL MOTORS, DRUM BRAKES, HEAVY CLUTCHES, SKINNY STEERING WHEELS AT SPEEDS OF UP TO 200 MPH ON HIGH BANKED OVALS WHERE DEATH AND DISASTER WAS ONLY A BEE'S DICK AWAY AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. . . . AND ALL BEFORE THE TIME OF THE NADER INSPIRED INTERVENTION OF THE SOCIAL DOGOODERS. MY FATHER REALLY ENJOYED IT AND PASSED ON THE MADNESS TO ME, NOT THROUGH TALKING IT UP, SIMPLY BY LETTING ME WATCH IT, ASK QUESTIONS AND FALL IN LOVE.

TAKING IT TO THE STREETS, TODAY, OUT AND ABOUT ON THE VINO TRAIL . . . . A SUPERBLY GIFTED WINEMAKER, HIS EXCELLENT WINES AND SOME GOOD, GROUNDED SOMMELIER TYPES GIVING IT A CRACK . . . . THIS IS THE PART OF SELLING DEBAUCHERY AND LIVER DAMAGE THAT I GENUINELY LOVE . . . . 9.00 A.M IS NEVER TOO EARLY TO HOOK INTO EXCEPTIONAL PLONK !!!

NOT ALL BEARDED HIPSTERS ARE WANKERS . . . . JAMIE HAS HEAVY EYELIDS . . . . NOT ALL WINEMAKERS ARE GIFTED, THIS DUDE HAS 'THE TOUCH' . . . . . GREAT VINO GIVES ME THE HORN. 

SERIOUSLY FUNNY SHIT . . . . AT THE TENDER AGE OF FIFTY TWO I JUST FIND OUT THAT PURPLE, MY FAVOURITE COLOUR, IS SYMBOLIC OF THE GAY WORLD . . . . WELL, IF IT GETS UP THE NOSE OF ALL THE REDNECK, HATE FILLED, HOMOPHOBIC NEEDLEDICKS OUT THERE IT'S GOTTA BE A GOOD THING . . . . SEXUAL FRUSTRATION I'D HEARD OF, NOT THE QUEER LINK . . . . THE PURPLE PENIS TAKES ON A WHOLE NEW DIMENSION . . . . C'MON GUYS, LET'S RIDE . . . . GIDDY UP !!!!

AND UP UNTIL A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO I USED TO WEAR PURPLE NAIL POLISH ON MY THUMB . . . . I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE A BIT OF OVERKILL WITH THE AMETHYST RING . . . . HA, SERIOUSLY HILARIOUS !!!

DON'T BE TRIPPIN ON THE WRONG BUS FOLKS . . . . APATHY KILLS YOUR SOUL AND LIFE'S PRETTY DULL WITHOUT AT LEAST SOME VICES . . . . LIVE YOUR LIVES OUT, NOW !!!

HMMMM . . . . NOWHERE OR BOREDOM . . . . I'LL TAKE THE ONE-WAY TICKET TO ANYWHERE 

 THE PROPHECIES OF MR JAMES OSTERBERG . . . . TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE